Add This to a Beat

 

Unstable little lady down in front

Heartbeat starts running to it's own rhythm

Passing blank stairs on a pretty little platter

Snappy little pappy

Pumping in and out charisma

Peeling back the curtain for the nonsense and 

blah blah on a shitty hand at matter

Appetizer to the ongoing sentence

~Tina Meeks

August, 20th, 2023

 At the end of every notebook, I save the last few pages to reflect on the journey through the notebook and a personal check in to sum up how it's been going and feeling. This is that entry, minus the friend diagram that was drawn in the notebook:

This has been quite the adventure of a time where I almost actually feel like an adult of some sort. Whatever that means. Feelings and emotions have become more and more important in certain capacities, such as relationships and being honest about my own needs and wants. I can feel and see my own patterns repeating and there's plenty I don't like about myself. It's a work in progress to learn how to self-love. This year, I started therapy for real. It's still a little uncomfortable for me to say and I can't wait to see you how I can better me and learn/ teach myself to be more understanding and compassionate. 

I want to shout out to my mom and dad for always having my back through the internal turmoil I feel and conceal. It doesn't feel like I have many people I can count on right now, truthfully. Who are my closest friends right now? I have no idea but I can attempt to draw a picture of a pool of people I have some kind of closeness with or something...

… The pool of people is small, and maybe that's okay. I don't need a million people in my corner to fill some weird kind of void of something that I think I'm missing. This year has had pockets of me prioritizing myself yet, still holding myself secondary. Still relearning to not always count on people and just do me. It's time to continue that and not have it be a worry. Go to a bar. Have some kava. Have nothing. Take myself out to lunch. Stop thinking about what could happen if I do this and do that. I hold myself back and know it. Being mentally tired after work is real and bullshit at the same time. What's the secret to getting over that mental fog or making up reasons to not pursue? Myself sucks sometimes. I'm ready for a 180. I've heard a lot of people struggling recently and isn't it time to like, not? I am shipping positivity and reasons to do things without a reason. Thank you, little black book, for bearing sob stories and for space for me to vent and dream. On to the next chapter of fun and adventure. This last year has been very wobbly and trying to steady my feet Again. This dust is settling, I hope. And when more dust stirs, it's okay to feel it, because the holdup is only temporary. This next year, I am shipping happiness, outdoors, self care, alone trips, trips with friends, and biking more. I'm also happy to be getting more and more comfortable showing more skin, literally. That has been something that has helped me back a lot in the past for being shy and not comfortable with showing skin. No more. Time to show it all. Or not.

Bay Breeze

 

It is moments like now that I am grateful for the breeze
that touched the tip of my nose.
Encouragement to breathe.
Those moments when the Bay view
was blue,
there was city in sight and pristine.
Smoke, smog, plastic bags, blur what I see now.
Prescription is overrated and clouded serene.
It's fun when clouds play hide and seek
with each other and tickled by air pushing them away
as the light captures stills throughout the day
to honor every moment that is important.

~Tina Meeks

Insulin

 

You may seem so woke and righteous to some.
You spritz your pretty little femininity
and conceal what may be a receding... quality.
I'm not one to pick apart someone's
appearance to make myself feel superior, and
poke about someone's shortcomings that affect me, not at all.
I am one to say what's on my mind and
how I feel in an open and honest way.
And first, tell me,
who hurt you?
Because hurt people hurt others and there's a
pain gleaming from you
like a chandelier.
Something to meditate on:
You relish in how you exist, and believe
how wholesome you want to feel.
Just don't lie to yourself.
I'm concerned that mask of yours
falls right off your face the millisecond you step
across the threshold of perceived home.

~Tina Meeks

Some Days

 It is a fucking gorgeous day outside and yet,
not a body out walking to enjoy it.
The trees do not breathe
Other side of the Bay is right there - I can see.
There's birds out and they all sound like some big family
with the exception of a hawk making its presence known
by allowing a long call out out for several seconds.
It's a gorgeous fucking day.

~Tina Meeks

Unfortunate Habits

The longer I try to keep my distance
the harder it is to look back
and trust that there is genuine care rupturing
out of a human dynamic
I want to believe so hard that there is
no single-sided pain
but I'm over here burning up with
irrational mood swings
and skeptical antics

Thought patterns, around the clock
and inducing the panic 
Walking backward into corners
and blindly choosing to make a move
I want to skip a turn
to hold in place long enough
to access my own mental crevices
without doing something stupid

Maintaining this distance stings
The ominous, lack of approach keeps me from unleashing
a tsunami of unarranged thoughts
and paranoias that serve no one

I'm aware of how I am  
Looking back is not living in the past
Looking back is surveying what can be done differently
and proceed forward

I'm rejecting and attempting to not
unravel spoken tangents
because what I felt
serves no one and I'd rather
drive myself mad
than reveal pointless sad heart syndrome
on anyone

Isolation is only the beginning of the one lane highway
I'm here with a full tank of gas to brave this one.

~Tina Meeks

I'm Fine.

When I'm feeling trapped, I don't know how to handle it

I'm trapped when I don't know how to handle it when I'm feeling

I don't know how to handle it when I'm feeling trapped

How to handle it when I'm feeling trapped, I don't know

I don't know when I'm feeling trapped or how to handle it 

~Tina Meeks

Before the Closing

 

Before falling asleep I think about all
that I've done in the day
or
what the day has done with me, rather.
Hiding myself from you and running away,
whilst watching the empty streets and hoping
you'd appear.

I hide myself, yet beg for you silently.
Terrified that I never saw it coming before.
Denied it could ever be true.
You could actually tear me apart from the inside
if you wanted to.

Thus, the damage of this marathon run down heart
and evaporated motivation
but the moment you drape yourself
over me I drift into somewhere that has no structure
- some kind of dimension that exists
because you have gifted it to me.

And I love being here because things
happen as they want to without
initiation, like lightning.
If I have to go a single night
without you I think I'd fall apart even more.

I'd dig myself deeper into the crevices of the
creaky floorboards and stew in the wreckage.
At night when you're not there is a romanticized
particle of shuffling in the sheets,
pressing against the cold so, nothing can have my attention while restlessly
spacing out and dreading the seconds passing by without you
wishfully thinking that any moment now,
I close my eyes and you'd be right there.

~Tina Meeks

Nostalgic Loneliness

Pitch black, every room full in a home

The heater on three but the house stays cold

Same thoughts on repeat and it's out of control

Retain more info when it's told and retold

I feel a type of way when it's damp and it rains

Think about growing up each night, each day

Don't really know who I am

Don't know what to say

Now every night I just lay here awake

So I want to send everyone a text

With something like "yes, no, yes"

So tappity tap on the screen press press

Hopes to stimulate and feel less alone

Let's talk about school and then digress

Still solus and brains on one's own

~Tina Meeks

Mr. Turner

Is it true?
Your 6 strings no longer inspire you and serve your sanctity?
A person of so much desire
embodying sultry in vocal form
Spoken rasp and honest brash,
setting a standard and tone to anyone familiar with AM
Distinct strum and fret play
- those fingers you're flicking and stroke up and down that board
Lay those fingers on me, baby
Play me like the way you say you fell in love with piano
How do you think we'd harmonize?

~Tina Meeks

This Moment

 Sometimes, there are moments when you feel so much and have no idea how to put them into words or make sense so you just bottle it all in and say nothing but feel the feels and sponge it all up because how else makes sense to process and what's there to process when you feel sad about most things and crying only does so much and no one knows and having no direction and inspiration and holding patterns stir up more and you feel like you're going to explode and at the same time nothing at all but feeling sad so sitting alone in the dark staring past the dim light is the only mildly comforting thing that also isolates and feels just as depressing and running away sounds so perfect and have no where to run to so going with no destination in mind seems fine I guess.

A Night in Greenville

In the sunken land beneath the forests open trenches and
above the soil,

Of all of the branches and pine cones on and off the highway
playing games and toying.

There are secrets unseen and
trains whistling in between
that go unnoticed.

What are other unfallen treasures in the forest that can be heard?

The train rumbles and choos closer while the fire
crackles in the late dusk.

The train pushes against the steel leaving a hum behind
almost like a helicopter passing while the flames
die down in a short amount of time
dimming on an imaginary timeline of grace.

There are enough grandparent trees to conceal most of the stars.

Enough to count until braving the open sky.

Birds have gone to sleep after singing the blooms good night
and soon come morning, there will be the reply.

The wind is hushed.

Invisible as it may,
hanging pine needles are not spared by the push
of the passing by gusts.

Supporting the rise and fall of the debris and dust.

Morning is not far off.

The eagerness of tomorrow presses up against the cusp
separating dawn and dusk
like oil and water.

Passing through the precipice is a journey through
delirium and anticipation.

Surviving another night speaks volumes when at the heel of unknown in the darkness of trees.

The wind has moved on and no more falling kindling.

The fire has put a pause to the dancing and laughing and simply glows in the night breathing warmth near.

It's nearly time to accept tomorrow as now and continue on.

Until the flames dissipate entirely this
moment merely is dependent on the
fleeting seconds holding on. 

~Tina Meeks

Present

 

Condensed into a smaller period of time.
Tummy rumbles.
All I wanted was the sun to kiss my skin.
To caress my being, simply, as I basked in the prevalence of warmth
like a dry shower.
Perfectly warm and relaxing,
I needed nothing but to rest my body.
I was temporarily paralyzed under the sea of radiance.
My wonderings were of no judgment,
only curiosities and acceptance.
I had surrendered to anything that came over me.
The images in my head were swirling around and coming together.
Other alphabet systems created words laid out.
The word, "Ashriv" appeared as itself and the reflection of itself in reverse.
I am small in a sea of feelings and things.
Simply being.
A small existence among large happenings.
I an now sitting in the middle of the woods.
Came out here hoping to connect with myself and the trees and for some reason, I'm feeling pure lonesome and wishing to love and be loved.
There is so much love in the world to give and receive.
I only want to feel it and see it like it's some tangible thing.
Maybe that's ignorant or senseless.
Lately I have no idea where my head even is and what I may even want in life right now so what sense would it make?
I am resilient and seeing so much beauty in people and find enjoyment in the simplest of things.
I am eager to feel at peace and grounded again.
I feel whole and confident and somewhat secure in my body.
Nothing has been stripped away from my being though my ego, pressed up against enough to question its position.
I want to run away from how I'm feeling and find comfort somewhere and hide.
And I can't.
There's no way to run outside of my own body and pretend to feel otherwise.
I am hurt, I acknowledge that, and have no grasp on myself like I wish I did.

~Tina Meeks

Just Your Average Friday, I Guess

 

The trees stand glowing

in the rays of the sun

with their leaves,

a loud chartreuse and still.

Between those leaves rest shadows,

like pockets of dark memories

or experiences that are ever shifting

beneath the altering sunlight peering.

Like a secondary thought that gets grazed over.

The shadowy undermounts modestly 

holding space

and the fleeting hope 

to be noticed

goes by in a hushed breeze.

~Tina Meeks

Lonely Attachment

 I still dream about you

We share intimacy, yet no emotional connection

We force actions over our words

while whispering sweet nothings with no depth

We are trying to make a pendulum in order

to take our chances and risk something with each other

I hardly know you and have no idea

why I'm trying so hard to fight for a feeling I'm only half invested in

Loneliness is hurting my insides and keeping a bad taste in my mouth

I have spun around in circles trying to understand what to do next

I think I like you?

 And trying not to be selfish or possessive and protect

 myself from unknown bodies of human affection

I enjoy being unreadable

Legible, I am not

Try me, don't judge me

 touch me, don't budge me

Be patient, don't rush me

I think we like holding each other at a healthy distance

While caressing the back of your hand

While stroking the inside of my thigh

Whisk me away,

sweep me off my feet,

and good luck.

~Tina Meeks

Marina Sunset

It's almost imagination that falls behind the sun

The space that doesn't seem to exist at all.

Whether it be the clouds or more mountains and hillside,

or maybe it's simply the other side of the sun.

There is nothing more bittersweet than the sun falling

behind the peaks of a distant ridge and witnessing

the break between night and day.

Like the shadows between you and I reveal themselves

in the moments the turmoil stiffens into tumultuous, sunburning 
and blinding of the darkness.

~Tina Meeks