Appetizer to the ongoing sentence
~Tina Meeks
At the end of every notebook, I save the last few pages to reflect on the journey through the notebook and a personal check in to sum up how it's been going and feeling. This is that entry, minus the friend diagram that was drawn in the notebook:
This has been quite the adventure of a time where I almost actually feel like an adult of some sort. Whatever that means. Feelings and emotions have become more and more important in certain capacities, such as relationships and being honest about my own needs and wants. I can feel and see my own patterns repeating and there's plenty I don't like about myself. It's a work in progress to learn how to self-love. This year, I started therapy for real. It's still a little uncomfortable for me to say and I can't wait to see you how I can better me and learn/ teach myself to be more understanding and compassionate.
I want to shout out to my mom and dad for always having my back through the internal turmoil I feel and conceal. It doesn't feel like I have many people I can count on right now, truthfully. Who are my closest friends right now? I have no idea but I can attempt to draw a picture of a pool of people I have some kind of closeness with or something...
… The pool of people is small, and maybe that's okay. I don't need a million people in my corner to fill some weird kind of void of something that I think I'm missing. This year has had pockets of me prioritizing myself yet, still holding myself secondary. Still relearning to not always count on people and just do me. It's time to continue that and not have it be a worry. Go to a bar. Have some kava. Have nothing. Take myself out to lunch. Stop thinking about what could happen if I do this and do that. I hold myself back and know it. Being mentally tired after work is real and bullshit at the same time. What's the secret to getting over that mental fog or making up reasons to not pursue? Myself sucks sometimes. I'm ready for a 180. I've heard a lot of people struggling recently and isn't it time to like, not? I am shipping positivity and reasons to do things without a reason. Thank you, little black book, for bearing sob stories and for space for me to vent and dream. On to the next chapter of fun and adventure. This last year has been very wobbly and trying to steady my feet Again. This dust is settling, I hope. And when more dust stirs, it's okay to feel it, because the holdup is only temporary. This next year, I am shipping happiness, outdoors, self care, alone trips, trips with friends, and biking more. I'm also happy to be getting more and more comfortable showing more skin, literally. That has been something that has helped me back a lot in the past for being shy and not comfortable with showing skin. No more. Time to show it all. Or not.
It is moments like now that I am grateful for the breeze
that touched the tip of my nose.
Encouragement to breathe.
Those moments when the Bay view
was blue,
there was city in sight and pristine.
Smoke, smog, plastic bags, blur what I see now.
Prescription is overrated and clouded serene.
It's fun when clouds play hide and seek
with each other and tickled by air pushing them away
as the light captures stills throughout the day
to honor every moment that is important.
~Tina Meeks
You may seem so woke and righteous to some.
You spritz your pretty little femininity
and conceal what may be a receding... quality.
I'm not one to pick apart someone's
appearance to make myself feel superior, and
poke about someone's shortcomings that affect me, not at all.
I am one to say what's on my mind and
how I feel in an open and honest way.
And first, tell me,
who hurt you?
Because hurt people hurt others and there's a
pain gleaming from you
like a chandelier.
Something to meditate on:
You relish in how you exist, and believe
how wholesome you want to feel.
Just don't lie to yourself.
I'm concerned that mask of yours
falls right off your face the millisecond you step
across the threshold of perceived home.
~Tina Meeks
It is a fucking gorgeous day outside and yet,
not a body out walking to enjoy it.
The trees do not breathe
Other side of the Bay is right there - I can see.
There's birds out and they all sound like some big family
with the exception of a hawk making its presence known
by allowing a long call out out for several seconds.
It's a gorgeous fucking day.
~Tina Meeks
The longer I try to keep my distance
the harder it is to look back
and trust that there is genuine care rupturing
out of a human dynamic
I want to believe so hard that there is
no single-sided pain
but I'm over here burning up with
irrational mood swings
and skeptical antics
Thought patterns, around the clock
and inducing the panic
Walking backward into corners
and blindly choosing to make a move
I want to skip a turn
to hold in place long enough
to access my own mental crevices
without doing something stupid
Maintaining this distance stings
The ominous, lack of approach keeps me from unleashing
a tsunami of unarranged thoughts
and paranoias that serve no one
I'm aware of how I am
Looking back is not living in the past
Looking back is surveying what can be done differently
and proceed forward
I'm rejecting and attempting to not
unravel spoken tangents
because what I felt
serves no one and I'd rather
drive myself mad
than reveal pointless sad heart syndrome
on anyone
Isolation is only the beginning of the one lane highway
I'm here with a full tank of gas to brave this one.
~Tina Meeks
When I'm feeling trapped, I don't know how to handle it
I'm trapped when I don't know how to handle it when I'm feeling
