This was a journal entry. I save the last few pages of all my books to reflect on the journey I've had with it. It's the perfect time to do a self temperature check and access. This entry was from 2 books ago.
This journal journey has felt like a floundering time through a lot of heart growth.
There has been trial and error through reflection and laying out pieces of myself for the taking and navigating anger and the release of it, defining what relationships are and how I want them to look like and developing more compassion.I am not sure where I stand currently except that my feet are planted, just not tethered to anything.
This book has been reflections upon childhood, conversations, or lack thereof, and falling apart me, through and between jobs. The jobs are just jobs. The humans are connections that are worth writing down and noting for the future to carry with me. My little sensitive heart vibrates with every ruptured interaction and tremble between words
hesitating with each letter, hoping to articulate the way I mean to. So much love to give and not nearly enough width or clock rotations to be able to share with everyone so with that, I find it at least kind of important to document the encounters that do occur and the ones that I imagine here, and thank you for holding space because my own capacity is only so much, so this is simply a fraction of the big picture.
During this time, my definition of friendship has shifted and my friends have moved as well. The significance of friends has remained and strengthened. My circle of people has shrunk or at least at this point, it seemed larger and now, a smaller squad I have,
and in some ways I feel more closed off than I once was and wish I was more open to sharing myself and still defining what that means. What that might feel like is deep connections, soul-synced, verbally stimulated, and sensual. What it could look like is slow conversation and patience through discussion. That feels important to have deep connection through discussion and sharing ideas and drawn out thoughts. I would like to expand on this during the next journey with more people. Not to saturate the importance but to share and broaden the pool of info to exchange. Through this compilation of experiences my relationship with my parents has become more transparent and has felt almost more adult (whatever that means). There is the physical distance between us and what feels like mature conversations, and during this chunk of time my heart has tied itself up and tried to share itself and protect someone else. It's been an interesting journey to try to protect myself now after the fact and I know very well or preserve as much dignity that I feel I must save during what feels like desperate times and putting up that wall is what I do best, putting up some kind of shield to my feelings and emotions for whenever there's danger. Maybe I devote so much energy into loving people and that's something I'm still navigating through because being the most real and empathetic and compassionate, that's so important to me and maybe something to hone in on more during the next journey. This one has been (and they all always will be) an adventure of patience in myself to heal and be okay with healing because I have no choice. A path while being a single cuz I've been in a long time until I wasn't and man, I've been met with my match and still learning something
and, what do I listen to?
How do I know what's right?
I don't at all.
this notebook has seen me through the end of my twenties and into a new decade of some kind of decadence. I've stiffened up in some ways but in a way that has helped me take new form into a part of myself for the time being. Thank you book for bearing with me with the selfishness, through the ignorant decisions, and sulking in a not so unique way
every single human has their own trials and stipulations and this is but a decimal of mine. Maybe we'll see the next time if I've learned any lessons. Maybe I'll stretch along doing the same old song and dance as I am a creature of habit. And perhaps I'll just do me in whatever the heck fashion seems to make sense at the time. Thank you also to the following people who have been a part of this piece of me:
Mom and Dad, Naye, J-kid, Izzy, Nicolette, Mercy, Sarah G, Joe and Lisa, Kyle, Juli, the new team at OBI, Isaac, Andrew, Eugenia, Uncle Bill, the gang while camping, all the animals I encounter in the early AM's, all the little adventures in between, and running to my best ability.
See you while around to the next mile.
Sincerely, Tina
