I've been actively avoiding you and
I'm sorry about that.
Maybe my hand can't keep up with my brain
or the other way around.
I've been feeling tired
and seeking adventure at the same time.
My pocket is shrinking.
I'm sinking
in my seat.
-Feet, planted
leering defeat.
Mental upkeep,
overdue.
Who am I kidding?
Thought streams are seething
and soon to take flight,
fleeting by.
My shadow whispers to keep me on a swivel
and the bags under my eyes accompany
the darkness rolling in.
~Tina Meeks
I've been reflecting and marinating.
Whisper tones spoken to myself while eyes glisten.
Say nothing, because I'm never not listening.
Picture those broken before,
acknowledge,
pay homage
with feet forward and every good intention.
Fellow poets,
I scribble trauma and drama
with pain and erase
outlines for few to follow
Don't tag along unless you wallow.
Tryna face my prose
while staring holes in my feet.
Attempting to keep what I've learned on lock.
I'm far from perfect with this dulled edge.
I'm quite reserved and maintain my morals at night
when I go to bed.
Just being real.
I'm not a liar, and fuck it,
by the minute, I'm shyer
and tuck my tail in to preserve what the proof is.
I can't win for losing
'cuz by the time this hits the books,
you'll have to squint to see where the black and blue is.
In a slow cooker, faithfully stewin'
shenanigans and backwards pedaling.
Breaking free from old habits that trouble me.
As far as I'm concerned,
I'm just another form of self menacing and meddling,
and I've never touched down,
but ready to shake it up with more belt notches
and break some ground.
~Tina Meeks
Tingling on fingertips and sweaty palms.
My hands waiver beside me.
Afraid to blink,
I know nothing else.
Walking through an unfamiliar strip of woods
on the side of some road.
Maybe we're on the brink of being something else.
In the dirt is our shadows, yet I can't see myself.
Only spiderweb entanglement of what no one
around sees
- it's funny.
Standing there feeling the external protection
of my brothers arms wrapped around me,
and scared to move my body away from any interior enemy
grasping at my nerves.
~ Tina Meeks
There's no reason for us not to be
talking right now.
We're both protecting our pride that cannot sunburn.
This is the extent that I know about you.
And me... I don't like
to have my vulnerability exposed where a hole can be burned
into me from eye contact intensity.
The other day, while laying on the floor,
I wished you were there
pressed up against my back.
Burrowing your soul safely there
into the comfort of us.
Our caresses used to be
tingly, heart-racing, attention grabbing, and sexy.
Now, where do we go with it?
Do you want me to lead you to the bed slowly,
while marinating in the moments guiding us
until my feet touch the bedframe?
We then tumble down like dancers and swirl
into closed eyelids and everything behind them?
Those moments, I could savor for forever
and capture as essential oils
for future reference to bathe in the build up.
I want to melt in your hands that are always warm
and have you
say and show me that you want
even a part of me that is as tucked away
as the space between my fingernails.
~Tina Meeks
His screams leak through the wall,
possibly as much as my music.
The paramedics come twice a week and
when they don't,
I glue myself to the kitchen wall in
hopes that he is still alive and
making some kind of noticeable sound.
~Tina Meeks
Sometimes, I'm good at
hiding in plain sight behind windshields
and windows, on the other sides of fences
- there's no need to get defensive,
I remind myself.
Every window has scratches,
the glass isn't perfect,
like flawed reflections,
and fences have gaps.
Hindsight is paramount.
~Tina Meeks
Soaring through the sky,
you disappeared into the sea of trees
30 feet up.
Eager to spot you again,
I bat my eyes left to right, and nothing-
you're too fast for me and I can't keep up.
At any rate, love will arch over you like a
rainbow of affection.
That was not a disingenuous erection of dramatic tundra.
This is microscopic tidal waves
of subliminal adoration, leading itself.
This is inherent devotion to your being.
Do you prey on me?
Because I can feel the gentle rest of your hands over me
when your scent sticks in my nasal passage ways.
Sitting here sun burning, I tell myself the warmth is your breathing...
~Tina Meeks
Last night, I
stared at your lips in a photo for a solid moment.
I studied the lighter hue of pink that
blankets them
like cotton candy.
Like when the sun goes passed San Francisco and
behind it on an ideal sunset evening,
when the sky goes through the full spectrum of
rainbow and lands on you.
When tulips are in season and I
much prefer the yellow ones
and gladly choose the pink
that is your lips.
~Tina Meeks
You relish in how you exist
and believe how wholesome you want to feel,
just don't lie.
I'm concerned that that mask falls
right off that face the millisecond you
step across the threshold of perceived home.
~Tina Meeks
We're now sensitive to the touch
and boundaries that serve
the purpose of platonic love.
Embracing a touch that not only connects us,
but also announces a transformative
dynamic into blossom.
Our awareness's shifting and communicating.
Your expressive heart,
as essential as your breath.
Breathe with your heart, exhale
what may have exhausted and pulled you
apart.
Preserve who you are, my friend.
Walk with delicacy and diligence in yourself.
~Tina Meeks
I like it when we stick together.
Somehow I think I need you
and somehow, you scare me
because you play me like a piano
unpredictably.
It makes me want to capture the way you breathe
in a jar and hold onto it like fireflies,
and your light never goes out.
~Tina Meeks
I want to paint your lips on mine
and watch the colors fuse.
Have them melt slowly, and drip
spots until that is all I see,
like going light-headed.
You've got my thoughts tingling
and I like them dangling before you
when we hang out.
~Tina Meeks
It is a fucking gorgeous day outside and yet,
there isn't a body out walking to enjoy it.
The trees do not breathe.
Other side of the Bay is right there- I can see.
There's birds out and they all sound
like family, with the exception
of a hawk or eagle making its presence known
by calling out in longer durations.
It's a gorgeous fucking day.
~Tina Meeks
I want to cry every time I'm near you,
from the rush of entangled emotions that
don't self identify.
There is shaky ground below my feet
-oh wait, it's just my trembling legs because
stability surrendered itself.
Self confidence has run away
and I feel like crying every time I see you,
because I dwell on the past
and wish I felt like fucking
around with several people I don't know
just to feel better.
Once upon a time, our lives
intertwined
and curled like vines
when they grow happily.
It is now the luck of a drawing
to even bring us in the same room.
I'm struggling to impress you with
something every second
and allowing space for you to rant
about whatever is on your mind
and needs to exit,
and stowing myself away to hide from
invisible shame.
Peering at you under Himalayan salt lamp light
only stirs up wishes of having your company
into the night and next morning
to meander about with morning breath and coffee.
I'm tired of pretending that crying isn't
an activity that I do all the time now
from yearning for your time,
energy, body, smell, taste, skin.
I wish that you didn't scare me with the grasp
you have around me.
~Tina Meeks
You terrorize my body with movement.
We kiss in silent where no one can
judge the present based on past.
You are campfire smoke in my lungs,
on my clothes; entangled
with the fabrics that I hesitate to toss
in the wash.
If I ever lost the scent of you,
I'd be losing sight of
what dancing pleasure looks like.
You echo in me.
I still hear your voice when
I'm alone and spark up an old flame.
I recognize the sadness in an attempt to make it
through a day to not fall apart.
The sex in heavy breathing after
kissing your neck.
I know the silly tones when
your heart is light.
And I wait for a calm when speaking
through sleepiness.
What can I offer you but to read between my lines
so you know that this is all you.
"You" is not just a word to indicate
another human in reference to.
You are the tears pouring down my cheeks
each still night without our bodies
telling stories.
You are the crows feet walking
along my smiles and laughs
with inside jokes.
And you are the space between my fingers
and the tingle between my nose and mouth
when holding our gaze extremely close.
~Tina Meeks
Dating back to Eastern Texas in the 60's,
mama and pop treated her well.
Belly out now,
White tank top,
light skin blending in.
Red heart-shaped glasses
fluctuating energy
within a confined open space.
Sharing pistachios with
a Chihuahua-Basenji.
Befriending all walks of life.
Openly dating and adventuring as it comes.
Taking the men as they are
and drawing a line where it makes sense.
Original hippie in modern millennial times.
Unapologetic- not even a question.
Regression upon piercing the threshold
every weekend after a walk.
~Tian Meeks
Warm space that is you
and with open arms.
After this, please don't go changing.
Please continue to help those
who are searching for sanctuary somewhere.
Thank you for what you've done for
those of us so far.
My gratitude is all I have to offer
and I will harness positive inclusion
with centering the missions you've cultivated.
Sore heart from rupturing news of departure.
I grieve in silence and radiate sorrow.
Circle back to me with your wonder.
You have given the meaning of "home"
to many that have gathered.
May you wander in peace,
rest without regret,
and remain in optimistic thought bubbles.
~Tina Meeks
It's not a surprise to still
wonder about a sap like you.
Now, you're a married man with fur babies
and a house.
You looked happy in the last photo
I saw of ya- that's nice.
In high school,
you had this wordless charm in
that young face.
When I think of your writings,
there's not a single word I recall.
I know it was philosophical profound, and sad.
~Tina Meeks
She's nothing like the city sky
at night.
She is not a turned off boob tube
with reflection of a crest.
Can't be a piercing darkness
with freckles.
Nothing but a wave of night to sharpen the owls hoots echoing
the still sidewalks.
The opposite of silhouette branches before
streetlights manifest attention
from the spaces unknown,
lacking glow.
Never a slap of cold against the neck, or
any forgotten friends tumbling
on the ground to no end.
Contrasting the rest.
Sorry, she don't apologize for being anything.
~Tina Meeks
Catching up with you is only an illusion.
When falling asleep, I think
about all that the day has done for me,
and wanting only a little more of your time.
Hiding from you and running away, whilst watching the
empty streets and wishing you'd appear.
I hide myself, yet
beg silently for you.
Horrified that I never saw it before.
Denied it could ever be true.
You could actually tear me apart
from the inside, if you wanted to,
and it'd be so much worse than
the marathon run down heart and
evaporated motivation.
Though the moment you drape yourself
over me,
I drift into an unstructured realm;
a whole dimension that has life because
you've gifted it to me.
If I have to go a single night without you,
I would end up deeper into the crevices of the creaky floor boards
and stew in the wreckage.
A night when you're not there
is a romanticized particle of shuffling
in the sheets, pressing
against the cold, so something can have my attention
when restlessly spacing out
and dreading the seconds passing by
with you not there.
Wishfully thinking that any moment now,
I'd close my eyes and you'd appear.
~Tina Meeks
Keeping myself busy by calling forth
our destinations together.
We are like sand castles before crumbling
down into the beached trenches.
The sand that gets taken home.
Lets be beached.
Harpoon me to you.
I want nothing but the scar tissue to show that
I wanted it that bad.
But it hurts to love you
and want to feel something with you
when it's bits of my being disintegrating before you
with out even touching.
Our coherency is magnetic and when we aren't,
my head loses connections to most things
so I look for you like raindrops in puddles
so that I know if its raining or not.
Looking for you is like looking
for a raindrop in the ocean.
I'm no shark, so I'll sink my feet into land lover's sand
and try building sand castles
that won't collapse.
~Tina Meeks
