End of a Journal

This was a journal entry. I save the last few pages of all my books to reflect on the journey I've had with it. It's the perfect time to do a self temperature check and access. This entry was from 2 books ago.

This journal journey has felt like a floundering time through a lot of heart growth.

There has been trial and error through reflection and laying out pieces of myself for the taking and navigating anger and the release of it, defining what relationships are and how I want them to look like and developing more compassion.
I am not sure where I stand currently except that my feet are planted, just not tethered to anything.
This book has been reflections upon childhood, conversations, or lack thereof, and falling apart me, through and between jobs. The jobs are just jobs. The humans are connections that are worth writing down and noting for the future to carry with me. My little sensitive heart vibrates with every ruptured interaction and tremble between words
hesitating with each letter, hoping to articulate the way I mean to. So much love to give and not nearly enough width or clock rotations to be able to share with everyone so with that, I find it at least kind of important to document the encounters that do occur and the ones that I imagine here, and thank you for holding space because my own capacity is only so much, so this is simply a fraction of the big picture.
During this time, my definition of friendship has shifted and my friends have moved as well. The significance of friends has remained and strengthened. My circle of people has shrunk or at least at this point, it seemed larger and now, a smaller squad I have,
and in some ways I feel more closed off than I once was and wish I was more open to sharing myself and still defining what that means. What that might feel like is deep connections, soul-synced, verbally stimulated, and sensual. What it could look like is slow conversation and patience through discussion. That feels important to have deep connection through discussion and sharing ideas and drawn out thoughts. I would like to expand on this during the next journey with more people. Not to saturate the importance but to share and broaden the pool of info to exchange. Through this compilation of experiences my relationship with my parents has become more transparent and has felt almost more adult (whatever that means). There is the physical distance between us and what feels like mature conversations, and during this chunk of time my heart has tied itself up and tried to share itself and protect someone else. It's been an interesting journey to try to protect myself now after the fact and I know very well or preserve as much dignity that I feel I must save during what feels like desperate times and putting up that wall is what I do best, putting up some kind of shield to my feelings and emotions for whenever there's danger. Maybe I devote so much energy into loving people and that's something I'm still navigating through because being the most real and empathetic and compassionate, that's so important to me and maybe something to hone in on more during the next journey. This one has been (and they all always will be) an adventure of patience in myself to heal and be okay with healing because I have no choice. A path while being a single cuz I've been in a long time until I wasn't and man, I've been met with my match and still learning something
and, what do I listen to?
How do I know what's right?
I don't at all.
this notebook has seen me through the end of my twenties and into a new decade of some kind of decadence. I've stiffened up in some ways but in a way that has helped me take new form into a part of myself for the time being. Thank you book for bearing with me with the selfishness, through the ignorant decisions, and sulking in a not so unique way
every single human has their own trials and stipulations and this is but a decimal of mine. Maybe we'll see the next time if I've learned any lessons. Maybe I'll stretch along doing the same old song and dance as I am a creature of habit. And perhaps I'll just do me in whatever the heck fashion seems to make sense at the time. Thank you also to the following people who have been a part of this piece of me:
Mom and Dad, Naye, J-kid, Izzy, Nicolette, Mercy, Sarah G, Joe and Lisa, Kyle, Juli, the new team at OBI, Isaac, Andrew, Eugenia, Uncle Bill, the gang while camping, all the animals I encounter in the early AM's, all the little adventures in between, and running to my best ability.
See you while around to the next mile.

Sincerely, Tina

Tired

 Tonight
I'm going to bed alone and that's cool

My sleepiness could not entertain staying up late

to amuse anyone that whispers to the back of

my neck and wish me good night

Tonight I'm rolling solo

I have no choice and the sun's coming up soon

~Tina Meeks

Trying Something

 Clouds been coating the surface for weeks
and recently when I perk my head up
those clouds pour the rain onto my cheeks
doing me in good

I can take a hit

You do the same

In fact

I'm the opposite of intact

The agonizing length of this mislabeled path

Flammable material and I'm melting like plastic

Graduating to the fragility of ceramic

I've never been so materialistic

We used to dig through tunnels just to see where we could go

Now our shovels collect rust in the shed with
the rest of the tools on the pegs

I had you pegged for someone who liked the stability of
unknown adventure, coated with safety

Once upon a moment in time

Grizzly Peak was shapelessly cut out right in our own backyard

Bottles of wine were timeless when the bottle sparkled when we reached the bottom

the same way your peepers did when the speakers blared

My phone never rings anymore

I look for you out the window

hoping you'd just be in the neighborhood

Never scared to get my hopes up anymore

I know my peak has peaked and now I'm slummin' in the valleys

Dragging myself through and scraping my knees just for them to scab soon

~Tina Meeks

Thinking of You

 Some of the most important talks we've ever had 

have been naked under the covers, 

spooning, and whispering

Your tiny hairs on the back of your neck 

sway with every hushed word I speak

They tickle my lips

Somehow, we unite with our legs bound together

Wiggling to get comfortable in a loving cradle

You used to fall asleep in my arms and now, 

it's too hot to cuddle all night comfortably

~Tina Meeks

You Don't Deserve To Have a Poem Named With Your Initials

 There was a time when I almost feared your cold, big pupils
It began to almost feel strange without you around until it
felt... Normal again

You are a boy that wants pity

Thriving on it and people's lack of understanding of you

I'll tell you, you are no victim of anything in my eyes

- Any bully that ever pushed you into a corner probably had a reason, 

at least I hope for
that smidge of justification

I'll almost never forget how your breath always smelled the same,

like unbrushed teeth and sourness

and your clothes, like sunblock and a gaming store

I did feel bad for you

I picked up on how little normalcy you must've known

How it all unorganically materialized itself around

me is a questionable mistake on my part

You let me into your habits so easily

Apple juice

Papa John's

Wait for me outside the bathroom between classes

Wait for me outside of all of my classes

Ride the same train home with me and
pretend to only know sign language

Ask me what body type
I like on a person and send me a chart of body types
for me to choose from

and let you know

Why did I dismiss these things as normal lonely human habits?

I broke, finally

It only took four semesters and hesitation,

side eyes, faded flirting with no reciprocation, and
threatening to
kill yourself
for me to break

And thanks to you, this will never happen again

And the next person who would attempt
something like such

won't have anywhere near as many chances

Thank you for grabbing hold of
the second chances no one else will ever see 

For being obsessed,
sad,
and pathetic French boy

who thinks he's cool for smoking pot with Black kids

You didn't know that you scratched a
piece of me that will forever be tarnished, right?

You have no idea of so much of me, 
other than my sniffed out vulnerability, huh?

I got to know too much of you that
I almost identified with it

And the next time we encounter, I
promise it will be the last time I'll ever see red again

I will not just cry out my anger

You will be wrecked by something much
worse than your acne 

and there is a side you have

yet to see of me

~Tina Meeks

Red Rocks

 Hundreds of people are drenched
just after the peek-a-boo of the moonlit sky
We are all glowing

Soggy nachos never sounded so... ew

I'm so happy to be wearing two pairs of pants

and wish I had gloves so I could pass one on and

hold hands with the other to keep warm

~Tina Meeks

I'm Not Sure I Ever Really Knew Her

 

Addictive melancholy

Stained in black rose water

Angel City digests pieces of her

A pot of soup from someone's kitchen

I have made up stories of her

in a diary that stretches the truth.

~Tina Meeks