End of a Journal

This was a journal entry. I save the last few pages of all my books to reflect on the journey I've had with it. It's the perfect time to do a self temperature check and access. This entry was from 2 books ago.

This journal journey has felt like a floundering time through a lot of heart growth.

There has been trial and error through reflection and laying out pieces of myself for the taking and navigating anger and the release of it, defining what relationships are and how I want them to look like and developing more compassion.
I am not sure where I stand currently except that my feet are planted, just not tethered to anything.
This book has been reflections upon childhood, conversations, or lack thereof, and falling apart me, through and between jobs. The jobs are just jobs. The humans are connections that are worth writing down and noting for the future to carry with me. My little sensitive heart vibrates with every ruptured interaction and tremble between words
hesitating with each letter, hoping to articulate the way I mean to. So much love to give and not nearly enough width or clock rotations to be able to share with everyone so with that, I find it at least kind of important to document the encounters that do occur and the ones that I imagine here, and thank you for holding space because my own capacity is only so much, so this is simply a fraction of the big picture.
During this time, my definition of friendship has shifted and my friends have moved as well. The significance of friends has remained and strengthened. My circle of people has shrunk or at least at this point, it seemed larger and now, a smaller squad I have,
and in some ways I feel more closed off than I once was and wish I was more open to sharing myself and still defining what that means. What that might feel like is deep connections, soul-synced, verbally stimulated, and sensual. What it could look like is slow conversation and patience through discussion. That feels important to have deep connection through discussion and sharing ideas and drawn out thoughts. I would like to expand on this during the next journey with more people. Not to saturate the importance but to share and broaden the pool of info to exchange. Through this compilation of experiences my relationship with my parents has become more transparent and has felt almost more adult (whatever that means). There is the physical distance between us and what feels like mature conversations, and during this chunk of time my heart has tied itself up and tried to share itself and protect someone else. It's been an interesting journey to try to protect myself now after the fact and I know very well or preserve as much dignity that I feel I must save during what feels like desperate times and putting up that wall is what I do best, putting up some kind of shield to my feelings and emotions for whenever there's danger. Maybe I devote so much energy into loving people and that's something I'm still navigating through because being the most real and empathetic and compassionate, that's so important to me and maybe something to hone in on more during the next journey. This one has been (and they all always will be) an adventure of patience in myself to heal and be okay with healing because I have no choice. A path while being a single cuz I've been in a long time until I wasn't and man, I've been met with my match and still learning something
and, what do I listen to?
How do I know what's right?
I don't at all.
this notebook has seen me through the end of my twenties and into a new decade of some kind of decadence. I've stiffened up in some ways but in a way that has helped me take new form into a part of myself for the time being. Thank you book for bearing with me with the selfishness, through the ignorant decisions, and sulking in a not so unique way
every single human has their own trials and stipulations and this is but a decimal of mine. Maybe we'll see the next time if I've learned any lessons. Maybe I'll stretch along doing the same old song and dance as I am a creature of habit. And perhaps I'll just do me in whatever the heck fashion seems to make sense at the time. Thank you also to the following people who have been a part of this piece of me:
Mom and Dad, Naye, J-kid, Izzy, Nicolette, Mercy, Sarah G, Joe and Lisa, Kyle, Juli, the new team at OBI, Isaac, Andrew, Eugenia, Uncle Bill, the gang while camping, all the animals I encounter in the early AM's, all the little adventures in between, and running to my best ability.
See you while around to the next mile.

Sincerely, Tina

Tired

 Tonight
I'm going to bed alone and that's cool

My sleepiness could not entertain staying up late

to amuse anyone that whispers to the back of

my neck and wish me good night

Tonight I'm rolling solo

I have no choice and the sun's coming up soon

~Tina Meeks

Trying Something

 Clouds been coating the surface for weeks
and recently when I perk my head up
those clouds pour the rain onto my cheeks
doing me in good

I can take a hit

You do the same

In fact

I'm the opposite of intact

The agonizing length of this mislabeled path

Flammable material and I'm melting like plastic

Graduating to the fragility of ceramic

I've never been so materialistic

We used to dig through tunnels just to see where we could go

Now our shovels collect rust in the shed with
the rest of the tools on the pegs

I had you pegged for someone who liked the stability of
unknown adventure, coated with safety

Once upon a moment in time

Grizzly Peak was shapelessly cut out right in our own backyard

Bottles of wine were timeless when the bottle sparkled when we reached the bottom

the same way your peepers did when the speakers blared

My phone never rings anymore

I look for you out the window

hoping you'd just be in the neighborhood

Never scared to get my hopes up anymore

I know my peak has peaked and now I'm slummin' in the valleys

Dragging myself through and scraping my knees just for them to scab soon

~Tina Meeks

Thinking of You

 Some of the most important talks we've ever had 

have been naked under the covers, 

spooning, and whispering

Your tiny hairs on the back of your neck 

sway with every hushed word I speak

They tickle my lips

Somehow, we unite with our legs bound together

Wiggling to get comfortable in a loving cradle

You used to fall asleep in my arms and now, 

it's too hot to cuddle all night comfortably

~Tina Meeks

You Don't Deserve To Have a Poem Named With Your Initials

 There was a time when I almost feared your cold, big pupils
It began to almost feel strange without you around until it
felt... Normal again

You are a boy that wants pity

Thriving on it and people's lack of understanding of you

I'll tell you, you are no victim of anything in my eyes

- Any bully that ever pushed you into a corner probably had a reason, 

at least I hope for
that smidge of justification

I'll almost never forget how your breath always smelled the same,

like unbrushed teeth and sourness

and your clothes, like sunblock and a gaming store

I did feel bad for you

I picked up on how little normalcy you must've known

How it all unorganically materialized itself around

me is a questionable mistake on my part

You let me into your habits so easily

Apple juice

Papa John's

Wait for me outside the bathroom between classes

Wait for me outside of all of my classes

Ride the same train home with me and
pretend to only know sign language

Ask me what body type
I like on a person and send me a chart of body types
for me to choose from

and let you know

Why did I dismiss these things as normal lonely human habits?

I broke, finally

It only took four semesters and hesitation,

side eyes, faded flirting with no reciprocation, and
threatening to
kill yourself
for me to break

And thanks to you, this will never happen again

And the next person who would attempt
something like such

won't have anywhere near as many chances

Thank you for grabbing hold of
the second chances no one else will ever see 

For being obsessed,
sad,
and pathetic French boy

who thinks he's cool for smoking pot with Black kids

You didn't know that you scratched a
piece of me that will forever be tarnished, right?

You have no idea of so much of me, 
other than my sniffed out vulnerability, huh?

I got to know too much of you that
I almost identified with it

And the next time we encounter, I
promise it will be the last time I'll ever see red again

I will not just cry out my anger

You will be wrecked by something much
worse than your acne 

and there is a side you have

yet to see of me

~Tina Meeks

Red Rocks

 Hundreds of people are drenched
just after the peek-a-boo of the moonlit sky
We are all glowing

Soggy nachos never sounded so... ew

I'm so happy to be wearing two pairs of pants

and wish I had gloves so I could pass one on and

hold hands with the other to keep warm

~Tina Meeks

I'm Not Sure I Ever Really Knew Her

 

Addictive melancholy

Stained in black rose water

Angel City digests pieces of her

A pot of soup from someone's kitchen

I have made up stories of her

in a diary that stretches the truth.

~Tina Meeks

Vanilla

 

Her vanilla scent lingered on my shoulders like how
it captured me at the beach
Captured me in my wind
My breathing, hard and pushed
We pushed ourselves into the sand
Her vanilla scent called up my nasal passageways

I tried to breathe deeper and
slower to allow myself to seep into the seconds
that raced behind us
I questioned why, before,
I never enjoyed the smell of vanilla much
Today, I sink further into the crevice
that has kept me warm during the loneliest moments

When my breathing becomes shallow
I fall into old habits and laugh to keep from sobbing
Eventually, I wallow, so what's even the point?
A disappointing reality when my own tricks
think they can still trick me into thinking
I'm thinking so deeply in circles and the pain hits home

Melancholy sits on the floor with me at home
that doesn't sit well in my gut
and I let myself go into the same cycle, and thought for just a moment,
I got another whiff of vanilla

~Tina Meeks

I'm on Board the Astrobus

He speaks like he has a thick tongue

Hands never at the hips

Hands, at a ballet

and fluctuating

- I want him to gesture me this way,

as if there is something that his fingertips

just lingering to get me to tingle and giggle

- just look at him

Watch how he feels words

by closing his eyes and accepting vibrations

to tell the stories

and following fingertips on pages

and mistakenly saying words aloud

and playing with dissonance 

~Tina Meeks

9/28/21

 

Delving into an abundance of colors and flowers
feelings are not "just"
can we take each other home?

~Tina Meeks

The Beginning

 Jonathan was the youngest of his friend group
He was also the tallest
and the only black man
His small group played Back Alley Bridge,
a card game that has traveled as far
and wide as you can shuffle a deck

Bill needed one year person to complete the teams
for the game

and what better person than his little sister, Mar?

Mar had an apartment on Gladys Avenue next
to the Catacombs Club

She had two young sons and
their father, under a separate roof

When Bill and Jonathan arrived to play cards
and Mar opened the door,

they all greeted and Jonathan exclaimed,

" Bill, you didn't tell me you had a sister this fine"

They proceeded to play cards and little did anyone know that
that would be the first of many card games
between them and Back Alley Bridge would
continue to travel down the generational line 

~Tina Meeks

I Think I'm Falling

 

Questions, placed on the back burner to marinate in 

what has been made 

and these moments contain 

the many layers of magnitude portrayed

from your eyes in the sun

That must have been a ripple in attraction and 

a tall tale that has stained the inner eyelids of 

every complicated hesitation within my complexion,

like the perplexed grieving boy we, for some reason, cherish

~Tina Meeks

Another Beautiful Day

 

The stage is set at sunset, marrying dusk
The colors of the sky are the colors of a blood orange
and faded denim jeans
Telling a story of how the colors bleed
peacefully and melt into the sea
Pleading to see each other for a moment more
and little do they know that for as long as they want,
they create this moment again day after day
They will modestly liquefy together and become introduced to the night

~Tina Meeks

Yarn

The table in the living room had a glossy sheen, popping out compared the brown carpet underneath
With a pattern I used to make believe they were oddly shaped feet,
and covering up early 20th century original hardwood flooring,

just a few feet over musty dirt

On the surface, the brown table had cabinets on either side
to house trinkets and candles and other homie items,

like VHS tapes that we watched over and over

Viewing as many movies as our eyes have blinked, the table's heart held yards of cat's cradle yarn

which we had recreated 100 times

One in every color that was available

Some, we attempted to assemble with three colors at once

Endless strands intertwining and forever bonded at the knot.

only to be shoved back into collection

only to later be cut into pieces or discarded

~Tina Meeks

The Nerve

 

I gotta admit, I didn't have high hopes.

I had high energy in the elevated state

when captivated by the possibilities

of our two halves pressed together.

The nerve I had

to think me special

above anyone else.

-that I could dazzle a person with a shimmer.

~Tina Meeks

You're Not So Good at Dates

 I'm sick of remembering and knowing full well

that I am not even the lowest rung on your ladder.

I'm merely a splinter you choose to ignore

along the way to the top.

~Tina Meeks

Oregon House

 

Thanks goodness there's no one around to witness

how I inspect places I go

for unclean surface and a missed opportunity

for disinfectant.

Maybe I'm not the only 

quirky person and maybe 

I'll never know,

because I am 200 miles away from home 

for no real reason and

love my solitude as much as I miss

my hand being held.

~Tina Meeks

Ponder The Response

 

You no longer have rights to my storyline,

nor do you have a right to see who I am.

I put my turtle shell of protection over 

my entire little world and

everything underneath

is a world for you to question.

You best believe, though, I

got a whole realm of freaking beauty

for you to wonder about.

And wondering is all you'll ever have with me again.

~Tina Meeks

Spare Change?

 Pink hues graze the rim of the horizon
The storm has passed and remnants remain,
like the less tangible breaths pushing the bare branches

Nesting between are the homes of unnamed tweets
Though they're visible on the tree limbs 
and as they burst away to flee the scene,
six buses have huffed by since my awakening today

Needless to say, the routine never stops even if I were to

There is so much action and play happening live

while I am unpredictable and discreetly running away

from most moments in close quarters

I would love anyone's two cents on the matter

and if I had a nickel for every time I

contradict my internal discussion and dialogue...

Well, I wouldn't want to waste the time on someone else's dime.

~Tina Meeks

A Sleepless Night

Today I woke up at 1:40 a.m. and it felt like it was 7:00 a.m

And knowing my anxious ass and hyper-organization

and staying on schedule for my own inner demons

with a schedule that doesn't exist

outside of the confinements of my skull, 

I wished it was 5:30 a.m

The moment I saw a form of light,

I processed that as, " daytime"

and instantly became awake mentally,

Which propelled my body out of bed

and trailing behind or other bodily actions

like, "oh, I actually have to pee"

And it's quite warm right now, actually,

thanks to the polyester pajama bottoms

So, those had to come off.

~Tina Meeks 

January

 

This heart has dimmed

Even on a sunny winter day, it's still cold
I flicker at a glimpse, or so I'm told

Swiped away as a windshield wiper
to the collected water and debris

~Tina Meeks