You Don't Deserve To Have a Poem Named With Your Initials

 There was a time when I almost feared your cold, big pupils
It began to almost feel strange without you around until it
felt... Normal again

You are a boy that wants pity

Thriving on it and people's lack of understanding of you

I'll tell you, you are no victim of anything in my eyes

- Any bully that ever pushed you into a corner probably had a reason, 

at least I hope for
that smidge of justification

I'll almost never forget how your breath always smelled the same,

like unbrushed teeth and sourness

and your clothes, like sunblock and a gaming store

I did feel bad for you

I picked up on how little normalcy you must've known

How it all unorganically materialize itself around

me is a questionable mistake on my part

You let me into your habits so easily

Apple juice

Papa John's

Wait for me outside the bathroom between classes

Wait for me outside of all of my classes

Ride the same train home with me and
pretend to only know sign language

Ask me what body type
I like on a person and send me a chart of body types
for me to choose from

and let you know

Why did I dismiss these things as normal lonely human habits?

I broke, finally

It only took four semesters and hesitation,

side eyes, faded flirting with no reciprocation, and
threatening to
kill yourself
for me to break

And thanks to you, this will never happen again

And the next person who would attempt
something like such

won't have anywhere near as many chances

Thank you for grabbing hold of
the second chances no one else will ever see 

For being obsessed,
sad,
and pathetic French boy

who thinks he's cool for smoking pot with Black kids

You didn't know that you scratched a
piece of me that will forever be tarnished, right?

You have no idea of so much of me, 
other than my sniffed out vulnerability, huh?

I got to know too much of you that
I almost identified with it

And the next time we encounter, I
promise it will be the last time I'll ever see red again

I will not just cry out my anger

You will be wrecked by something much
worse than your acne 

and there is another side you have

yet to see

~Tina Meeks

Red Rocks

 Hundreds of people are drenched
just after the peek-a-boo of the moonlit sky
We are all glowing

Soggy nachos never sounded so... ew

I'm so happy to be wearing two pairs of pants

and wish I had gloves so I could pass one on and

hold hands with the other to keep warm

~Tina Meeks

I'm Not Sure I Ever Really Knew Her

 

Addictive melancholy

Stained in black rose water

Angel City digests pieces of her

A pot of soup from someone's kitchen

I have made up stories of her

in a diary that stretches the truth.

~Tina Meeks

Vanilla

 

Her vanilla scent lingered on my shoulders like how
it captured me at the beach
Captured me in my wind
My breathing, hard and pushed
We pushed ourselves into the sand
Her vanilla scent called up my nasal passageways

I tried to breathe deeper and
slower to allow myself to seep into the seconds
that raced behind us
I questioned why, before,
I never enjoyed the smell of vanilla much
Today, I sink further into the crevice
that has kept me warm during the loneliest moments

When my breathing becomes shallow
I fall into old habits and laugh to keep from sobbing
Eventually, I wallow, so what's even the point?
A disappointing reality when my own tricks
think they can still trick me into thinking
I'm thinking so deeply in circles and the pain hits home

Melancholy sits on the floor with me at home
that doesn't sit well in my gut
and I let myself go into the same cycle, and thought for just a moment,
I got another whiff of vanilla

~Tina Meeks

I'm on Board the Astrobus

He speaks like he has a thick tongue

Hands never at the hips

Hands, at a ballet

and fluctuating

- I want him to gesture me this way,

as if there is something that his fingertips

just lingering to get me to tingle and giggle

- just look at him

Watch how he feels words

by closing his eyes and accepting vibrations

to tell the stories

and following fingertips on pages

and mistakenly saying words aloud

and playing with dissonance 

~Tina Meeks

9/28/21

 

Delving into an abundance of colors and flowers
feelings are not "just"
can we take each other home?

~Tina Meeks

The Beginning

 Jonathan was the youngest of his friend group
He was also the tallest
and the only black man
His small group played Back Alley Bridge,
a card game that has traveled as far
and wide as you can shuffle a deck

Bill needed one year person to complete the teams
for the game

and what better person than his little sister, Mar?

Mar had an apartment on Gladys Avenue next
to the Catacombs Club

She had two young sons and
their father, under a separate roof

When Bill and Jonathan arrived to play cards
and Mar opened the door,

they all greeted and Jonathan exclaimed,

" Bill, you didn't tell me you had a sister this fine"

They proceeded to play cards and little did anyone know that
that would be the first of many card games
between them and Back Alley Bridge would
continue to travel down the generational line 

~Tina Meeks

I Think I'm Falling

 

Questions, placed on the back burner to marinate in 

what has been made 

and these moments contain 

the many layers of magnitude portrayed

from your eyes in the sun

That must have been a ripple in attraction and 

a tall tale that has stained the inner eyelids of 

every complicated hesitation within my complexion,

like the perplexed grieving boy we, for some reason, cherish

~Tina Meeks

Another Beautiful Day

 

The stage is set at sunset, marrying dusk
The colors of the sky are the colors of a blood orange
and faded denim jeans
Telling a story of how the colors bleed
peacefully and melt into the sea
Pleading to see each other for a moment more
and little do they know that for as long as they want,
they create this moment again day after day
They will modestly liquefy together and become introduced to the night

~Tina Meeks

Yarn

The table in the living room had a glossy sheen, popping out compared the brown carpet underneath
With a pattern I used to make believe they were oddly shaped feet,
and covering up early 20th century original hardwood flooring,

just a few feet over musty dirt

On the surface, the brown table had cabinets on either side
to house trinkets and candles and other homie items,

like VHS tapes that we watched over and over

Viewing as many movies as our eyes have blinked, the table's heart held yards of cat's cradle yarn

which we had recreated 100 times

One in every color that was available

Some, we attempted to assemble with three colors at once

Endless strands intertwining and forever bonded at the knot.

only to be shoved back into collection

only to later be cut into pieces or discarded

~Tina Meeks

The Nerve

 

I gotta admit, I didn't have high hopes.

I had high energy in the elevated state

when captivated by the possibilities

of our two halves pressed together.

The nerve I had

to think me special

above anyone else.

-that I could dazzle a person with a shimmer.

~Tina Meeks

You're Not So Good at Dates

 I'm sick of remembering and knowing full well

that I am not even the lowest rung on your ladder.

I'm merely a splinter you choose to ignore

along the way to the top.

~Tina Meeks

Oregon House

 

Thanks goodness there's no one around to witness

how I inspect places I go

for unclean surface and a missed opportunity

for disinfectant.

Maybe I'm not the only 

quirky person and maybe 

I'll never know,

because I am 200 miles away from home 

for no real reason and

love my solitude as much as I miss

my hand being held.

~Tina Meeks

Ponder The Response

 

You no longer have rights to my storyline,

nor do you have a right to see who I am.

I put my turtle shell of protection over 

my entire little world and

everything underneath

is a world for you to question.

You best believe, though, I

got a whole realm of freaking beauty

for you to wonder about.

And wondering is all you'll ever have with me again.

~Tina Meeks

Spare Change?

 Pink hues graze the rim of the horizon
The storm has passed and remnants remain,
like the less tangible breaths pushing the bare branches

Nesting between are the homes of unnamed tweets
Though they're visible on the tree limbs 
and as they burst away to flee the scene,
six buses have huffed by since my awakening today

Needless to say, the routine never stops even if I were to

There is so much action and play happening live

while I am unpredictable and discreetly running away

from most moments in close quarters

I would love anyone's two cents on the matter

and if I had a nickel for every time I

contradict my internal discussion and dialogue...

Well, I wouldn't want to waste the time on someone else's dime.

~Tina Meeks

A Sleepless Night

Today I woke up at 1:40 a.m. and it felt like it was 7:00 a.m

And knowing my anxious ass and hyper-organization

and staying on schedule for my own inner demons

with a schedule that doesn't exist

outside of the confinements of my skull, 

I wished it was 5:30 a.m

The moment I saw a form of light,

I processed that as, " daytime"

and instantly became awake mentally,

Which propelled my body out of bed

and trailing behind or other bodily actions

like, "oh, I actually have to pee"

And it's quite warm right now, actually,

thanks to the polyester pajama bottoms

So, those had to come off.

~Tina Meeks 

January

 

This heart has dimmed

Even on a sunny winter day, it's still cold
I flicker at a glimpse, or so I'm told

Swiped away as a windshield wiper
to the collected water and debris

~Tina Meeks