Spare Change?

 Pink hues graze the rim of the horizon
The storm has passed and remnants remain,
like the less tangible breaths pushing the bare branches

Nesting between are the homes of unnamed tweets
Though they're visible on the tree limbs 
and as they burst away to flee the scene,
six buses have huffed by since my awakening today

Needless to say, the routine never stops even if I were to

There is so much action and play happening live

while I am unpredictable and discreetly running away

from most moments in close quarters

I would love anyone's two cents on the matter

and if I had a nickel for every time I

contradict my internal discussion and dialogue...

Well, I wouldn't want to waste the time on someone else's dime.

~Tina Meeks

A Sleepless Night

Today I woke up at 1:40 a.m. and it felt like it was 7:00 a.m

And knowing my anxious ass and hyper-organization

and staying on schedule for my own inner demons

with a schedule that doesn't exist

outside of the confinements of my skull, 

I wished it was 5:30 a.m

The moment I saw a form of light,

I processed that as, " daytime"

and instantly became awake mentally,

Which propelled my body out of bed

and trailing behind or other bodily actions

like, "oh, I actually have to pee"

And it's quite warm right now, actually,

thanks to the polyester pajama bottoms

So, those had to come off.

~Tina Meeks 

January

 

This heart has dimmed

Even on a sunny winter day, it's still cold
I flicker at a glimpse, or so I'm told

Swiped away as a windshield wiper
to the collected water and debris

~Tina Meeks

Add This to a Beat

 

Unstable little lady down in front

Heartbeat starts running to it's own rhythm

Passing blank stares on a pretty little platter

Snappy little pappy

Pumping in and out charisma

Peeling back the curtain from the nonsense and 

blah blah on a shitty hand at matter

Appetizer to the ongoing sentence

~Tina Meeks

August, 20th, 2023

 At the end of every notebook, I save the last few pages to reflect on the journey through the notebook and a personal check in to sum up how it's been going and feeling. This is that entry, minus the friend diagram that was drawn in the notebook:

This has been quite the adventure of a time where I almost actually feel like an adult of some sort. Whatever that means. Feelings and emotions have become more and more important in certain capacities, such as relationships and being honest about my own needs and wants. I can feel and see my own patterns repeating and there's plenty I don't like about myself. It's a work in progress to learn how to self-love. This year, I started therapy for real. It's still a little uncomfortable for me to say and I can't wait to see you how I can better me and learn/ teach myself to be more understanding and compassionate. 

I want to shout out to my mom and dad for always having my back through the internal turmoil I feel and conceal. It doesn't feel like I have many people I can count on right now, truthfully. Who are my closest friends right now? I have no idea but I can attempt to draw a picture of a pool of people I have some kind of closeness with or something...

… The pool of people is small, and maybe that's okay. I don't need a million people in my corner to fill some weird kind of void of something that I think I'm missing. This year has had pockets of me prioritizing myself yet, still holding myself secondary. Still relearning to not always count on people and just do me. It's time to continue that and not have it be a worry. Go to a bar. Have some kava. Have nothing. Take myself out to lunch. Stop thinking about what could happen if I do this and do that. I hold myself back and know it. Being mentally tired after work is real and bullshit at the same time. What's the secret to getting over that mental fog or making up reasons to not pursue? Myself sucks sometimes. I'm ready for a 180. I've heard a lot of people struggling recently and isn't it time to like, not? I am shipping positivity and reasons to do things without a reason. Thank you, little black book, for bearing sob stories and for space for me to vent and dream. On to the next chapter of fun and adventure. This last year has been very wobbly and trying to steady my feet Again. This dust is settling, I hope. And when more dust stirs, it's okay to feel it, because the holdup is only temporary. This next year, I am shipping happiness, outdoors, self care, alone trips, trips with friends, and biking more. I'm also happy to be getting more and more comfortable showing more skin, literally. That has been something that has helped me back a lot in the past for being shy and not comfortable with showing skin. No more. Time to show it all. Or not.

Bay Breeze

 

It is moments like now that I am grateful for the breeze
that touched the tip of my nose.
Encouragement to breathe.
Those moments when the Bay view
was blue,
there was city in sight and pristine.
Smoke, smog, plastic bags, blur what I see now.
Prescription is overrated and clouded serene.
It's fun when clouds play hide and seek
with each other and tickled by air pushing them away
as the light captures stills throughout the day
to honor every moment that is important.

~Tina Meeks

Insulin

 

You may seem so woke and righteous to some.
You spritz your pretty little femininity
and conceal what may be a receding... quality.
I'm not one to pick apart someone's
appearance to make myself feel superior, and
poke about someone's shortcomings that affect me, not at all.
I am one to say what's on my mind and
how I feel in an open and honest way.
And first, tell me,
who hurt you?
Because hurt people hurt others and there's a
pain gleaming from you
like a chandelier.
Something to meditate on:
You relish in how you exist, and believe
how wholesome you want to feel.
Just don't lie to yourself.
I'm concerned that mask of yours
falls right off your face the millisecond you step
across the threshold of perceived home.

~Tina Meeks