Some Days

 It is a fucking gorgeous day outside and yet,
not a body out walking to enjoy it.
The trees do not breathe
Other side of the Bay is right there - I can see.
There's birds out and they all sound like some big family
with the exception of a hawk making its presence known
by allowing a long call out out for several seconds.
It's a gorgeous fucking day.

~Tina Meeks

Unfortunate Habits

The longer I try to keep my distance
the harder it is to look back
and trust that there is genuine care rupturing
out of a human dynamic
I want to believe so hard that there is
no single-sided pain
but I'm over here burning up with
irrational mood swings
and skeptical antics

Thought patterns, around the clock
and inducing the panic 
Walking backward into corners
and blindly choosing to make a move
I want to skip a turn
to hold in place long enough
to access my own mental crevices
without doing something stupid

Maintaining this distance stings
The ominous, lack of approach keeps me from unleashing
a tsunami of unarranged thoughts
and paranoias that serve no one

I'm aware of how I am  
Looking back is not living in the past
Looking back is surveying what can be done differently
and proceed forward

I'm rejecting and attempting to not
unravel spoken tangents
because what I felt
serves no one and I'd rather
drive myself mad
than reveal pointless sad heart syndrome
on anyone

Isolation is only the beginning of the one lane highway
I'm here with a full tank of gas to brave this one.

~Tina Meeks

I'm Fine.

When I'm feeling trapped, I don't know how to handle it

I'm trapped when I don't know how to handle it when I'm feeling

I don't know how to handle it when I'm feeling trapped

How to handle it when I'm feeling trapped, I don't know

I don't know when I'm feeling trapped or how to handle it 

~Tina Meeks

Before the Closing

 

Before falling asleep I think about all
that I've done in the day
or
what the day has done with me, rather.
Hiding myself from you and running away,
whilst watching the empty streets and hoping
you'd appear.

I hide myself, yet beg for you silently.
Terrified that I never saw it coming before.
Denied it could ever be true.
You could actually tear me apart from the inside
if you wanted to.

Thus, the damage of this marathon run down heart
and evaporated motivation
but the moment you drape yourself
over me I drift into somewhere that has no structure
- some kind of dimension that exists
because you have gifted it to me.

And I love being here because things
happen as they want to without
initiation, like lightning.
If I have to go a single night
without you I think I'd fall apart even more.

I'd dig myself deeper into the crevices of the
creaky floorboards and stew in the wreckage.
At night when you're not there is a romanticized
particle of shuffling in the sheets,
pressing against the cold so, nothing can have my attention while restlessly
spacing out and dreading the seconds passing by without you
wishfully thinking that any moment now,
I close my eyes and you'd be right there.

~Tina Meeks

Nostalgic Loneliness

Pitch black, every room full in a home

The heater on three but the house stays cold

Same thoughts on repeat and it's out of control

Retain more info when it's told and retold

I feel a type of way when it's damp and it rains

Think about growing up each night, each day

Don't really know who I am

Don't know what to say

Now every night I just lay here awake

So I want to send everyone a text

With something like "yes, no, yes"

So tappity tap on the screen press press

Hopes to stimulate and feel less alone

Let's talk about school and then digress

Still solus and brains on one's own

~Tina Meeks

Mr. Turner

Is it true?
Your 6 strings no longer inspire you and serve your sanctity?
A person of so much desire
embodying sultry in vocal form
Spoken rasp and honest brash,
setting a standard and tone to anyone familiar with AM
Distinct strum and fret play
- those fingers you're flicking and stroke up and down that board
Lay those fingers on me, baby
Play me like the way you say you fell in love with piano
How do you think we'd harmonize?

~Tina Meeks

This Moment

 Sometimes, there are moments when you feel so much and have no idea how to put them into words or make sense so you just bottle it all in and say nothing but feel the feels and sponge it all up because how else makes sense to process and what's there to process when you feel sad about most things and crying only does so much and no one knows and having no direction and inspiration and holding patterns stir up more and you feel like you're going to explode and at the same time nothing at all but feeling sad so sitting alone in the dark staring past the dim light is the only mildly comforting thing that also isolates and feels just as depressing and running away sounds so perfect and have no where to run to so going with no destination in mind seems fine I guess.