While I Was Sick in Bed...

(Have been sick and getting over it the last week or so, as well as being busy as all heck. When I was stuck in bed for a few days, I felt pretty helpless and went through a depressed moment. Haven't felt super inspired lately, but here's a very short piece I wrote when I was under the weather.)

There is a mote behind a door, waiting to push its way through

With every opportunity

Selective moments

Awaiting love to be grasped

Desperate in a desolate space and alone

~Tina Meeks

Mindful Chillin'

From where I sit, the clouds

move across the sky faster than usual

It's a day where the weather is

noticeably taking a change for the season

Masala chai spices warm my stomach

and numb my tongue slightly 

Breathing in and being aware of

every moment is nothing more than a gift

of understanding

that I am at peace for a few moments

Not because the world has stopped 

Not because something has dramatically taken place

or changed

Simply because I have understood my body

I understand each breath going in

and returning to out to be natural,

and recognizing this only proves to me, growth

Personal expansion in the universe once again

Thoughts continuously race through,

don't get me wrong, they always will

And the objective is not to disregard them or dismiss

But hold them in a chamber to understand as they come

When they rush through, nurture them

When they pile high, attempt them

with good intention only

Be at peace the way the clouds move across the sky

~Tina Meeks 

Leftover Feelings To An Ex

There will never be solidarity 

Never

Even if we wanted it mutually

Neither of us will ever be

understood in the way we wish,

and a part of that is terrible

because I thought we were friends

I know this is bizarre and peculiar

And no one gets it quite like we do

It makes perfect sense

A part of me just wishes we were both a bit more transparent

and willing and understanding

We could try harder

We just never do

I'm sorry that I am nothing for you

No longer a considered entity

You are for me

~ Tina Meeks

I Came As One

I've been told to come as one so I don't feel alone

I am never alone, just lonely

My fears are unspoken but my face

speaks involuntarily

Thanks, face

It's a given

I wish I could float ahead and see the future

for what it may be

But another part of me would stay back

to see what is behind

in case I am ever followed

~Tina Meeks

Childhood

As a child, I was

afraid of my shadow

Later on, I found out

that was fairly common for children

But that never stopped me

from feeling alone

~Tina Meeks

Fellow Sagittarius

I used to believe in your sincerity and innocence

that you declared to me

Regularly,

you seemed ideal and kept a watchful eye

It was perfect with boundaries

Boundaries are okay, they're perfect

They declare and demand 

our deepest depressions and 

individualistic separations

from one another

We are terrified of anything else

in any other way

Like I said, it's okay

We should be kept on our nervous toes

sometimes

They take us to unknown destinations
and places with grass

from the other side of the fence,

which is bound to turn yellow

And change is good, like all of the seasons

and all of the words changing

and having their own homes

Pretending to be under the same roof

when their own is a little leaky

These words are never silent

They are whole and they bring us together

in a conversation

when they need to be released

between you and me

And with all of the other times without,

the spaces enjoy the solitude

That's where the real sincerity lies

In between the cracks separating 

you and me and watching from a far

Highlighting the boundaries 

Discretely, not secretly

We know what is there

So, don't pretend

~Tina Meeks

Nights Like These

We look at each other from across the table

Within a crowded room, a helpless romantic 

can only hope to listen to her voices words

When she smiles and glances away from

making pristine eye contact because its too much,

one can begin to wonder, what are we doing across the table

from one another?

I think it'd be hilarious if we turned out one day to be lovers

It would go against nearly everything we've ever 

weaved together into our basket or painted thoughts,

drunken nights, and sleepovers that felt like

nights where we were little girls

We never talked then 

Across the table from one another,

we make up for lost years

and spurt out our lives

We spit truths even if we knew them all along

The difference between us is,

you're psychic 

You know my life and my thoughts

from the inside, out

More than anyone from the same perspective

We are relatively close to being you, the activist

and I, the visionary

I could paint you in my mind endlessly

From your perfect teeth to your poetic mind

that the internet can only catch glimpses and squint to see

I'd never kiss you in mid sentence to try and be "cute"

I'm a gentle lady in disguise, with class

Together, we have delicately coated minds

that are acrylic

I wish that all of the nights across the table

went on into the next day and more

Like this night, will never end

~Tina Meeks

Darkness & Light

My boundaries were broken when

you stepped into my light

and did not leave

Now there are dimly lit remains 

of you

that are impossible to discard 

into the night where you belong

In the darkness where you originally reside from

~Tina Meeks

Where Did It Go?

The white elephant in the room

has never been alone

Sometimes, just invisible

Not so big either

They're like, regular

I wish the elephant never felt limited or alone

That's sad

Like American society  in an interpretive dance

Blood would pore out of everything

But vaguely because it's lost its depth and meaning

Where did it go?

~Tina Meeks

Drunken Thoughts

Voices echo in my ears

Multiple men's images are visions in my head

and breath is seen in my air

as I wave goodbye to the doorman, who 

does not take advantage of me 

Does he know I love beer?

A man behind the bar tells me its from his heart

The dirt at the bottom of my shoes

is remembered on the bus ride home

A man's voice is reminisced in my head,

demanding another drink or additional heartbeats 

to make up for missed bass drum hits

I love his riff

I wish I had his soul 

for personal reasons of selfishness 

-Do I love you?

It's possible we'll never know, either of us

He says I have a look in my eyes,

but is he talking about me or any other woman listening

to soothing vocals?

I have no soul sometimes

I have an impaired heart

We're moving faster than I'd like or want to admit

It almost scares me

Everything comes in flashes, like blacking out-

it's scary like falling in love

And it always works or makes sense 

until you try and put it together

But it works

We are together

One day we will be

One day, one moment, permanently

We surrender ourselves to reality

I am not perfect

Just drunk

~Tina Meeks

The Hellish Side of Sunshine

I've fallen from battles and been

beat down by habits

But in between every piece of story, found a cure and 

didn't even know I had it

But did

I've smashed bottles along the path

to disguise my footsteps and dreams

so no one would ever follow me

and have one chance to redeem

When the chance comes

'Cuz this stained paper has kept me on my toes

And left some space for the predicted future

and the unknown

Sometimes it's hard NOT to feel alone

~Tina Meeks

He Told Me

 He told me that within every structure there is a bit of chaos

With every formed figure is mayhem

He's right

Wherein lies madness

Abuse

Depression

These words ring in my ears like church bells I

never thought I'd hear

I never get headaches

I have growing pains

Stomach aches

Lack of hunger and interaction

~Tina Meeks

Summer of Last Year

My inevitable beauty

You come as a surprise each time

We dance the night in spite of our days

that we recklessly wander and chase

We fight through sleep like drunken men

during the medieval era

Raise your glass with me to the next night

we have like this

For it will be something you cherish

and nothing you would ever desire to miss

~Tina Meeks 

Short Poem from 8/15/16

The Distance between the sky and me was noticeably changeable and changing 

everywhere I went

That's where it all began; in the sky

The sun behind the clouds 

Pressing my toes into flip flops and stepping the ground

Everyone else is swimming until the sky opens its dimly lit home


~Tina Meeks

Short Poem

At odds in all ways

Assume all memories

I do not look up

I see what my voice brings

~Tina Meeks

Writing from 12/07/09

These words are no farewell

Why am I feeling so abused yet, tranquil?

Apprehensive temptations

My preeminent thoughts cannot be abridged

anymore

We reveal to one another who we are

and if you see beyond me,

if there are no visions past my pupils,

look harder

This is my attempt at preventing

a war

I am looking

~Tina Meeks

Find Myself

To free myself seems like a big task

To bend my mind perfectly, not react too fast,

or ask myself to change

To maintain this discipline I'm used to,

if I could even give it that name

With that being said, I'd almost rather not explain 

the rest of the story 

behind the summarized essays I fear I'd be graded on

Though they remain under my skull and bones

like the rest of me

~Tina Meeks

From 7/14/15

Snow globe dreams

I don't have any gold teeth

Remind me of your name again

So I can take it in and breathe

I want to inhale your smell

Fill my snow globe with it and good riddance to the water

but you'd float around still

Perfectly

Be my figurine

You're already worth the world

~Tina Meeks

Jumping Trees (Writing from 3/15/11)

Climbing through forrest barriers and scary lullabies

Searching for answers but knowing they might never be justified

Children of the impaired batch can no longer

run or pretend to own the world

Babies cannot desire a thing,

nor cry or plead

Masquerade parties no longer have dancing circles

Bare feet with cracked heels

once again begin to bleed

Trailing blood

Branches collapse as leaves become brittle

Feeling compelled to continue climbing

among evil fiends who have learned to growl

and show teeth

Ignoring it all but the steps taken

to prepare for a life threatening leap

Suddenly airborne between trees

~Tina Meeks

Writing from 6/14/16

Vulnerability has taken me to a dark place

I once was before

Before, my nights were filled with 

popcorn and grapefruit juice

My life was the bottom of a Dock Martin

My heart was the epitome of pathetic,

with sad brown eyes,

hoping for a new day

A brighter day before long

Sadness began to run through my blood

and self pity defined me

I felt broken

A released experience that I thought I tossed

and locked away forever

But this cycle has come back to haunt me

before the end of the book

This feeling reclaims it's places in my heart once again

This ugly, ugly defining thing loves to punish me

with tears after I've already surrendered myself long ago

My love has never felt like enough to satisfy the smallest of space

I have only hoped

One day, my love will suffice

for anyone open and anyone

willing to take this and create a new with their own

Because I can't do this alone

I want to confess how much

it means to me to feel this way

Say "I love you" and mean it

Hear it and believe it

"I love you so much

and I can't say it enough"

This will follow me forever

It will never be erased

Because I am at my best

when I have seen the worst of my days

~Tina Meeks

Writing from 7/2/15

My thoughts are disruptive

They are terror and disappointing

They are mine

They are disrupted by fellow minds, unrelated, and like-minds

I follow myself into traps all the time, into darkness

and run

Tina Meeks

Written on 7/25/16

Disclaimer: Written and posted without edits, just wrote it and sharing it*

Harboring the worst feelings 

These can be tough

They get the mind active in flashes

and the knife plunges and leaves gashes

and bashes the ache deeper in

When vocalizing out loud,

it's taken me to a more vulnerable level

On a different spectrum of feeling that cannot be stopped

Where do we run to?

What do we do to conceal

or compress or to hook up a smile

to make something feel... not so bad?

Aggression can rise from that

It's the hardest to try and protect yourself from 

your very thoughts aligned with this

Sometimes it's hard to let go or sincerely want to release

Because pushing anything aside no longer relieves

the pressure or thumping

The power is in the individual

when it wants to be

With a mind of it's own

~ Tina Meeks

Top of the World

I hear the gravel and see the dust rise

from under my feet as I walk up to 

the top of the world

Backpack on, with all of my needs to make it there

The scent of nature

Gulping down water

I round the last turn before reaching

the peak and I sigh with relief

Sit on the cobblestone wall

and gaze to the everything

Sitting in the center, with the blinding fall sun

in my face, forcing me to squint

That moment, I felt freedom

The only things above me were blue sky and a hawk,

taking advantage of it's own freedom

We felt the same

At the top of the world

~ Tina Meeks

Piece written on 6/26/16

I didn't know my heart would miss you this much

Scattered at the brain 

with nothing else to say, 

except that I need you and tears make me feel so needy

So I close my eyes instead

I'd rather continue down this canyon 

before I shed tears of pity and selfishness

Though I can't help but need you 

at a time like this

At a time like any, really

The geographical distance between us 

has grown to a degree where I feel sick

If I could leave this place right now

If I could have you tonight in my arms,

grasping you the way I will,

I would burn under this sun

Run out of this canyon

Melt into dust for you

~ Tina Meeks

Writing From 6/20/14

Salutations, fellow

Whether we meet before death

Or die before meet,

I wish your new life well and

Cheers to you when I take my next drink

~Tina Meeks

Writing From 11/17/10

Standing in shallow water
Dwelling on your endless lies
Anticipating your contentiousness on a regular basis
Surrounded by child's play
Somehow, it changes 
Never forever
Sudden explosion 
Deadline reached and apparently, 
Dirt is very dirty
Spring cleaning awaits
Don't keep it waiting too long
Both, truth and lies now
Confessions
Show me those pearly whites 
And explain to me
The dream 

~Tina Meeks